Stories of Weirdo Town: The Granny Fitness Club

An old woman stepped through the door to the local fitness club. She was rather stout but her legs were stick thin. She wore a bright lilac cardigan and a floral headscarf, complete with half moon glasses. Immediately, a surge of grannies raced towards her, surrounding her like the ocean might surround a small island.

She was bombarded with ladies trying to speak, but inaudible due to the immense noise. She caught one phrase: “Take off ya shoes!”

Then another: “Don’t forget to change!”

And finally, one more: “Has anyone seen my hankie?”

She tried to barge through the tight pack of elderly women and successfully managed to crawl between two tall grandmas. She hurriedly scurried away from the crowd, although they now seemed much more interested in another poor lady.

She slyly crept through narrow passages and corridors, until…

“MAUREEN!”

She shrieked and toppled over like a bowling pin.

“Where ya been, you bloomin’ idiot?”

Maureen gazed into the eyes of another woman, also adorned with a headscarf but lacking the glasses and wearing a lime green dress.

“I – I was kn – knitting”, replied Maureen.

“A likely story!” snapped the angry one, “Just like you this is!”

“Look Julie! I don’t have time for every one of your…”

Maureen struggled to find a description.

“Antics!” she decided to finish with.

“Antics! Hardly antics! You’re the one sitting around in yer recliner chair all summer and refusing to come out because the ‘Sun hurts my skin!’ You’re not a bloody vampire!” yelled Julie.

“Oi!” cried Maureen, “I couldn’t come out ’cause my family was round, weren’t they!”

“Family! The only family you’ve got is ya cousin and the stepdaughter you accidentally ran over with a golf buggy!”

“I was caddying for ‘er! I tried to help by driving the car for her, but she must have gotten out or something, I went straight over her!”

“Should’a gone to Specsavers! What have I told you, Maureen, about yer eyes!”

“I need to get ’em checked out?”

“Yes you do! Remember that time you mistook a doll for a real baby! It were embarrassing! You tryin’ to feed it and put it into bed! God knows what that lil’ girl thought of ya… And that time you thought a banana was a…”

“Okay! I think that’s quite enough Julie”, Maureen intercepted Julie’s sentence. Maureen tried to think of another conversation topic, then realized she was still on the floor.

“Um… I think I better get up off the floor”, Maureen said.

“Come on then!”, replied Julie. She offered her hand but Maureen declined, managing to get up on her own.

“Blimey! You’re quite the fit one!” exclaimed Julie, “Mind you, we are at a gym, so I’m just gonna assume you’ve been ‘ere before.”

“Er… No, I haven’t”, answered Maureen.

“Really!?” Julie was surprised, “Getting up off the floor by yerself! Quite a feat…”

“Yes, quite a feat…”, repeated Maureen, “For an OAP like myself of course.”

“See what’s difficult for us”, Julie said, “is easy for the youth of today.”

“What they do…”, replied Maureen, “is impossible for us…”

“Ha! Are ya sure Maureen? Ya seem to be going off on a little speech there! Trust me, I bet we can! With your super strength…”

“I only got myself off the floor!” answered Maureen in protest.

“Yes, but it’s a start! If we come ‘ere every day for a year, we’ll be as fit as bodybuilders!”

“Um… I’m not quite sure where you’re going with this”, said Maureen, “Why would we need to be fit as bodybuilders? I was only planning to come to the gym once a month to keep healthy. I don’t wanna get fat, you know.”

“Oh I see what you’re doing!” exclaimed Julie, “You’re just trying to skive off doin’ any sort o’ work! Ya lazy hooker!”

“Hey!” shrieked Maureen, “You calling me a lazy hooker! Look at you! You wouldn’t look out of place in a male strip club!”

Julie gasped, “You – you!”

She couldn’t think of a good enough come back.

“I – I have to go!” said Julie, “Bye”

She hurried off in the opposite direction to where she was trying to get to. Maureen watched as Julie trotted down the corridor, muttering various obscenities.

Maureen started shrieking with laughter as Julie tripped on her own legs and toppled over like a bowling pin. Maureen walked proudly towards her, with pride in her step. She knew what to say and do.

Julie glared as Maureen offered her hand.

“Need a hand?” Maureen asked sweetly.

“Oh, for god’s sake!” Julie snapped as she reached out for the palm.

 

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